When You’re the Anxious One
What to do when you can’t stop worrying they’ll leave
Nobody has ever felt better because someone told them to calm down.
$27 AUD. That’s the total price. Download straight after you buy. Phone PDF and A5 PDF.
Faulty file? I’ll replace it or refund you. Full details on the Refunds page.
The promise of this book is a plain description of what happens when you feel anxious in a relationship, questions to help you tell an anxious moment from a real problem, and a short list of things to try. One thing per unit. Not eight at once.
From the book, how to use this book
That’s not a character flaw. It’s what a phone does when you hand it a question it can’t answer.
From the book, unit 5
Asking for what you need isn’t needy. Needy is a verdict, and a verdict ends the conversation.
From the book, unit 7
The loop
You’ve reread their message. You’ve replayed the conversation. You’ve asked “are we okay?”, been told yes, and felt better for a short while. Then you were typing again. Checking isn’t knowing.
That’s not a character flaw. It’s what a phone does when you hand it a question it can’t answer.
The worry is the part you can’t switch off. What you do when it spikes is the part you can try something different with. This book is about that second part.
What this book does
You don’t have to read it in order, or in one go. Open it where you are: in the middle of the night, with your phone in your hand, about to ask for comfort again. Each unit gives you one thing to try. Not eight at once.
It won’t make you not anxious, and it doesn’t pretend to. It gives you a plain description of what’s going on, three questions for telling an anxious moment from a real problem, and one thing to try in each unit.
Anxious moment or real problem.
Three questions for telling the two apart. Your fear can be an accurate read of your situation, and the questions are a way of finding out what it’s pointing at.
What’s inside
1. What’s going on when you get anxious in a relationship. A plain description of what happens, with no blame for you or your partner.
2. Why it feels like an emergency. Why it can feel urgent when nothing’s wrong. Reading only, and you can skip it.
3. Anxious moment or real problem. Three questions for telling the two apart.
4. The reassurance loop. Why comfort helps for a short while, and then you’re typing again.
5. The urge to check. What checking does, and one thing to try with the phone in your hand.
6. Distance and silence. When they’ve gone quiet and you can’t tell why.
7. Saying what you need, plainly. A need, a test and a hint: three ways people ask, and only one of them is a request.
8. What helps over weeks, and when to get a professional. What might be worth doing over a few weeks, and when a book isn’t the right size for what you’re dealing with.
Plus a plain names page, a support page for Australia, the United States and the United Kingdom, and a sources page.
Look inside
The A5 print version, with room to write. Tap to enlarge.
Unit 3: anxious moment or real problem. Tap to enlarge.
Unit 4 opens at 11:02pm. Tap to enlarge.
The phone layout. Start where it’s happening. Tap to enlarge.
Who it’s for
You’re in a relationship and you get anxious in it. You look for reassurance, you check, you replay conversations or you spiral, and you’re tired of being told what it is without being told what to try. It’s for any partner, whatever your gender or theirs.
Who it isn’t for
If you’re afraid of your partner, or you’re thinking about hurting yourself, this book can’t help with that. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. The support page at the back of the book also lists services for the United States and the United Kingdom, checked October 2026.
It also isn’t for you if you want a diagnosis or a treatment for a condition, including if you wonder whether what you’re dealing with is OCD, ADHD or BPD. A doctor or psychologist can help with that, and the book says where to start. It isn’t for you if you want to change or diagnose your partner, or if the relationship has ended and you want it back. The book is for adults.
It won’t diagnose you or your partner. It won’t promise you’ll feel calmer, change your attachment style or fix the relationship. It won’t tell you whether to stay or leave.
Who it isn’t for
If you’re afraid of your partner, or you’re thinking about hurting yourself, this book can’t help with that. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. The support page at the back of the book also lists services for the United States and the United Kingdom, checked October 2026.
It also isn’t for you if you want a diagnosis or a treatment for a condition, including if you wonder whether what you’re dealing with is OCD, ADHD or BPD. A doctor or psychologist can help with that, and the book says where to start. It isn’t for you if you want to change or diagnose your partner, or if the relationship has ended and you want it back. The book is for adults.
It won’t diagnose you or your partner. It won’t promise you’ll feel calmer, change your attachment style or fix the relationship. It won’t tell you whether to stay or leave.
Who wrote it
I’m Nardia Barrett, an Australian life coach. I coach people one to one on the patterns that show up in their relationships, and I make videos about them. I’m a coach, not a therapist. This book isn’t therapy, and it isn’t medical, psychological or legal advice.
What you get
One zip file with two copies of the same book.
A phone-sized PDF, laid out for reading on your phone.
An A5 PDF, for printing or reading on a tablet or computer, with room to write on the exercise pages.
115 pages on your phone, 89 in A5. About an hour to read, plus the exercises.
Save both files to your device when you download. The link expires 24 hours after you first click it. If yours does, email hello@heyitsnardia.com and I’ll send a new one.
$27 AUD. That’s the total price.
What to do when you can't stop worrying they'll leave
When you're anxious in a relationship, you can reread the message, replay the conversation and ask "are we okay?" all night and still not know. This book doesn't ask you to calm down. It gives you a plain description of what's going on, three questions for telling an anxious moment from a real problem, and one thing to try in each unit.
It's for you if you're in a relationship and you get anxious in it: you look for reassurance, you check your phone, you replay conversations or you spiral. It's for any partner, whatever your gender or theirs.
What's inside
1. What's going on when you get anxious in a relationship
2. Why it feels like an emergency
3. Anxious moment or real problem
4. The reassurance loop
5. The urge to check
6. Distance and silence
7. Saying what you need, plainly
8. What helps over weeks, and when to get a professional
Plus a plain names page, a support page for Australia, the United States and the United Kingdom, and a sources page.
What you get
One zip file with two copies of the same book:
- a phone-sized PDF, laid out for reading on your phone
- an A5 PDF, for printing or reading on a tablet or computer, with room to write on the exercise pages
Save both files to your device when you download. The link expires. If yours does, email hello@heyitsnardia.com and I'll send a new one.
What it won't do
It won't diagnose you or your partner. It won't promise you'll feel calmer, change your attachment style or fix the relationship. It won't tell you whether to stay or leave.
Who it isn't for
Stop here if you're afraid of your partner, or you're thinking about hurting yourself. This book can't help with that. Call the service for your country on the page at the back.
It also isn't for you if you want a diagnosis or a treatment for a condition, including if you wonder whether what you're dealing with is OCD, ADHD or BPD. A doctor or psychologist can help with that, and the book says where to start. It isn't for you if you want to change or diagnose your partner, or if the relationship has ended and you want it back. The book is for adults.
The support page at the back lists services for Australia, the United States and the United Kingdom, checked October 2026.
About me
I'm Nardia Barrett, an Australian coach. I'm a coach, not a therapist. This book isn't therapy, and it isn't medical, psychological or legal advice.
Looking for the other side of a silence? My book for someone whose partner goes quiet is When Your Partner Goes Silent.
Price is in Australian dollars. If something's wrong with the file, email hello@heyitsnardia.com and I'll replace it or refund you. The details are on the Refunds page.
Faulty file? I’ll replace it or refund you. Full details on the Refunds page.
Questions
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No. Nothing in this book will make you not anxious, and I’d rather tell you now than have you work it out in a month. It gives you a plain description of what’s going on and one thing to try in each unit. Whether any of it helps is something you’ll find out in your own life, and I don’t get to promise it.
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No. It’s the word a lot of people use for this pattern, so it’s in the title. The book doesn’t diagnose you or your partner. If anxiety is getting in the way of your days, a GP or psychologist is a reasonable place to start, and unit 8 says how.
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Then the book says so. Unit 3 starts from the point that your fear can be an accurate read of your situation, and gives you three questions for finding out what it’s pointing at. It also says plainly that an anxious reaction is never the cause of someone else’s mistreatment.
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If the spiral is your main problem, this one. Unit 6 is for when they’ve gone quiet. If you want a book on what to do while they’re quiet and you’re still in the relationship, try When Your Partner Goes Silent.
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Yes. The A5 PDF is for printing, with room to write on the exercise pages.
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You get a download link straight after you pay. Save both files to your device. If the link has expired, email hello@heyitsnardia.com and I’ll send a new one.
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Email hello@heyitsnardia.com. A fault is covered, with no deadline. For a major fault, you choose a replacement or a refund. If you buy it twice by mistake, tell me within 7 days and I’ll refund the second one. Changing your mind isn’t a fault, so that isn’t refunded. Full terms are on the Refunds page.
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No. I’m a coach, not a therapist. It doesn’t diagnose you or your partner, and it isn’t a substitute for professional help.
Needing comfort doesn’t make you too much.
You’ve been told to calm down with no instructions for how. This book gives you one thing to try, a unit at a time.
$27 AUD in total. Phone PDF and A5 PDF. Faulty file? I’ll replace it or refund you.
